Hello to 3am. Again. I’m beginning to feel like a hamster, this blog is my wheel that I’m constantly turning at night. Aside from cats and dogs, I used to have hamsters when I was ‘growing up’… I use this term loosely, as I still very much feel I’m in the growing up period of my life! I used to insist that my hamsters slept in my bedroom, obviously in a cage, I’m not that crazy! I remember during little Georgie’s lifetime (creamy coloured hamster), that his habitual routine of nightly wheel spinning used to really annoy my parents and my sister. They’d often come into my bedroom asking if Georgie could be put downstairs in the kitchen during the night. No! This animal worshipping Aries loved hearing the metal wheel crashing against the side of the cage. (My later hamsters all had a plastic wheel, which seemed liked it had been deliberately silenced!). I loved the nocturnal activity of the hamster, I found the wheel crashing therapeutic.
I do worry that people reading my blog wonder what makes me feel my story is so special? I don’t. It isn’t. But this blog writing is really helping me through a tricky chapter in my life, it’s providing me with clarity, vision, and a bit of strength thrown in. My story is no more important than the next person’s, just that I feel compelled to write about it. For those of you who think “Who cares?”… I liked to hope you don’t waste your time by reading it anyway.
Yesterday morning’s news from my Mum that she was appealing against the Fit to Drive verdict, met with frustration, but little surprise. When my cousin, Marit, reminded me of my Grandma’s life (Mum’s Mum), it did make me feel that history was very much repeating itself right now! My Grandma lived until she was 97. Quite an achievement! She was a strong woman! After having a cataract operation, she was told she was temporarily unable to drive. So, with this news, the strong willed woman would cycle the streets of Barton-On-Sea instead. I’m actually grateful for my Mum’s arthritic joints right now, as this prevents her getting on a bike and pounding the streets. My Mum used to tell my sister and I that Grandma was a strong, opinionated woman. I’m seeing a lot of ‘Grandma G’s’ character in my own Mum these days. I can imagine, just as I feel my brother is kicking my arse from above, that my Grandma is pretty much doing the same with my Mum!
Last year, I visited a Clairvoyant in the hope I’d be able to contact a close friend I lost in May 2016. Russ had made a huge impact on me. He had cerebral palsy, but his drive and passion for life was without limits. I miss him everyday. I could write for hours about the character of Russ, his light will never fade. During this meeting with the Clairvoyant, my Grandma G was very present. The Clairvoyant said that I’d recently just bought a new house. True. She told me that there was a woman telling me that the garden needed colour. The woman was suggesting pots filled with flowers. I knew immediately that this was the opinion of Grandma G! My new garden was dull and without colour. Cheers for the criticism, lady! My Grandma kept providing messages throughout the next hour. I can only imagine my Russ was patiently waiting behind her, thinking ‘I’ll speak next time, Soph!’
One thing I find hard to discuss is my health problems. I’ll be the last person to tell anyone if I’m unwell. I think this stems from the fact that I never have time in my life to dedicate to being poorly, I find even the common cold counterproductive. Furthermore, I have friends in my life who are battling MS, cancer and other horrendously debilitating illnesses. I’m completely in awe of these people daily. So I feel any little health issue is quite unimportant. However, right now, I very much feel that where there’s life, there’s humour. This was certainly true of yesterday….
Recently, I’ve been feeling really unwell, I put it down to sleep deprivation and stress, lead by current situation. But after suffering from a kidney infection 3 weeks ago and ordered by the GP to go on the family holiday to Greece, for rest and recharge, I’ve never truly bounced back. Crushing abdominal pain eventually made me give in and take my daughter’s advice “Just go see the bloody Doctor please, Mum!.” (I take my hat off to my Hat, it can’t be easy raising me, bless her!). Anyway, long story short, really, Soph, really? I’m all about the long story! I went to the hospital yesterday and saw the loveliest Doctor I’ve ever met in my life! So much so, I did actually question whether or not she was real! After a thorough half an hour examination and consultation, she told me I was right in the throes of menopause. I’d had a endometrial ablation 3 years ago. So, coupled with the 7 weeks of insomnia, shock and stress, my body has thrown itself into the menopause, bypassing all the ‘pre bits!’ Have to say, I found this absolutely hilarious! And also a relief, as it’s uncommon for me to stop what I’m doing and accept that my body isn’t working right. But yesterday I couldn’t build any of my usual momentum due to the pain. I felt this Doctor was giving me a lesson in the life of woman! It was so interesting, she had me captivated. I’m so grateful for the clarity as to why I’m feeling so unlike my ‘normal’ self. I left this incredible Doctor and walked out to my Hubby. He was doing his usual, totally engrossed in hospital magazines. Think this one was Country Living! He’s been known to even take the time to read Horse and Hound before! Love him.
I waited until we were in the car to tell him the Doctor’s verdict. (Bugsy, like all men, is petrified of the word ‘menopause!’). When I told him, he definitely lost all the colour from his face haha! I checked for a pulse, he was still with me. He’s now got to deal with a mother-in-law with dementia, a father-in-law post stroke and a menopausal fruit loop! I’ve been talking about my double whammy of late, stroke vs dementia. The Bugsy now has completely trumped this with his triple terror….. Concerns and warnings to look out for; Finding my Benny the Cat Trunki filled to the brim with Bugsy’s pants, socks, shaving bits and passport! Sudden rocking back and forwards in chair. Incoherent speech from simply giving up! Longer working hours, to avoid home. Longer dog walks, to avoid home. Longer Lidl shop, to avoid home. Sudden penchant for loud music (does Rick Astley’s vocals actually improve with volume??!). Dribbling from the mouth. A sudden interest in origami. A desire to paint every fence in every neighbour’s garden. Creation of Facebook account. Samaritans’ phone number. Hours of hoovering to drown out life’s din. The list is literally endless. Bless him.