Apologies to anyone who reads my blogs. I feel that lately I’ve lost my exuberance. I keep hoping it will be found at the bottom of the biscuit tin, but to no avail!
Yesterday afternoon, I certainly lived up to my ‘Crazy Cat Lady’ title. As my Parents and I arrived back at their house, I saw Bella, their neighbour’s cat, walking towards me, (or so I thought). I picked up this beautiful girl, and carried her up the road and into my Parents’ house. This gorgeous tabby was wandering around their living room, miaowing loudly and exploring everything. I said to my Dad that I’d never noticed Bella being so vocal before. He seemed oblivious to the beautiful feline presence strolling around. With the mention of Bella, he just looked out to their Greenhouse and said “She’s quite chatty sometimes. I don’t think she’s moved from that spot all day.”… As I looked out at a sleeping Bella, it suddenly dawned on me that I’d stolen one of their other neighbour’s cats! (I can think of worse crimes!). Suffice to say, I let the gorgeous little tabby out the front door to go about her day.
My Dad had the Speech Therapist at the house yesterday morning, so I left them to it until lunchtime. When I arrived, my Dad had a horrendous cut on his lip. It had obviously bled quite heavily, as he had dried blood all around his mouth. Questioning him as to what had happened, it transpired that he’d fallen in the garden that morning. When I asked him if he was hurt anywhere else, my Mum spoke over him and said “he was fine.” I then asked the question again, and he told me he’d cut his knee badly too. It frustrates me so much that my Mum cannot see any dangers, or appreciate that someone might be hurt. Again, this is a totally new role for her, as she has always been the Mother Hen worrying over her brood.
Their garden, although very pretty, is very rocky with hidden steps. It’s so unsafe for Dad now that he is unsteady on his feet at times. I, again, found myself presenting my case to look for a bungalow for them. My Mum fought back rather ferociously, telling me that “everybody falls over in their gardens”… Do they really?!! What a pathetic argument! My Mum took a tumble a few weeks ago, whilst hanging out the washing. She cut her hand really badly, but didn’t appear to feel any pain. This worries me even more.
My Dad’s mood has not shifted, his anxieties are incredibly exacerbated right now. It’s so sad to see. Yesterday, my Mum was so abrupt and hard with Dad, this is totally heartbreaking. They’ve been inseparable and connected all their lives. Now, in their difficult chapter of life, my Mum’s own deterioration means she’s short with Dad. This then makes Dad feel guilty for feeling like he does, which, in turn, exacerbates his anxieties. So many people keep telling me that it would not be healthy for me to be their Primary Carer. However, I’ve been exactly that for the last four months. I’m learning that I have to be careful with how I handle advice. Although I’m grateful for input from anybody, I’m also fairly guarded. Only your own heart can give you to the truth. I’m a big believer in that. I feel at such a crossroads in my life right now. I feel the shittiest employee. I wouldn’t blame the staff at my school for giving up on me. I know I’ve got decisions to make. I’m always being told what the decision should be. However, nobody is living this with my parents, but me, and I don’t know if I can walk away from such a fragile and volatile situation.
My two kids were such a breeze to raise. When I think of all the rebelling I did as a teenager, I consider myself so fortunate that Hats and Louis were so good. However, right now, I feel parenting my Parents is a damn sight harder. Perhaps it’s payback for testing their patience all those years ago?!
I feel a chat with our Key Worker is imminent. I need that sounding board. My poor hubby has had to endure the Sophster’s wrath this week, I expect he’s so grateful that he goes to work each day, just to get away!
My Mum has a three hour appointment in January, for brain scan, memory tests etc. I won’t tell her about this appointment until nearer the time. January feels so far away right now, whilst I’m desperate for clarity, answers, diagnosis and so on.
Anybody else going through similar journeys with their own Parents will appreciate the conflicting emotions you encounter. Maybe we should meet up, once a week, on the top of a hill, to vent?! Please bring cake! Xxxx