Apple Crumble and Guinness.

A few of my friends have asked me why I’ve not blogged for a while. Truth is, the situation had got me a tad low, so I’ve been doing some soul-searching.

My daughter’s opinion of me being my Parents’ Carer, “You’ll lose your identity, Mum.” … I truly do not know where that girl of mine gets her insight and wisdom. I cannot believe she came out of my body! For 5 months, I remained defiant and determined to prove her wrong. However, I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that she is right… Annoyingly, her insight is always spot on! Lately, I really do feel I’ve lost my identity.

My relationship with my Dad is unaffected by the last 5 months, apart from the fact that I’m more protective of him than ever. During the last 4 weeks, he has been making progress. This has been great to see. The best thing is to see him smiling again. There have been very little smiles since July.

My relationship with my Mum has most definitely changed. I love her so much, but she tests my patience, and I don’t like how this makes me feel. I never want to feel anything but love for my Parents. So to feel frustrated with Mum’s behaviour is hard to accept. When you become Carer to your Parents, it’s inevitable that your relationship with them will change. However, I wanted to believe that it wouldn’t.

On my Dad’s birthday, the Kids, Bugsy and I took my Parents out for a meal. It’s become a running joke that Mum always helps herself to Dad’s food. On this occasion, she took it upon herself to mix his Apple crumble and custard!!! With Dad telling her “I don’t want it mixed up, Mary!” The rest of my family found it hilarious. I wanted to find it funny, but I felt too annoyed! The icing on the cake was when she asked him if he wanted some of her coke. Leaving him no time to reply, she poured some into his bloody Guinness!!! You might be reading this and thinking so what, Soph? But my lack of seeing the funny side, told me I needed to take stock. I’ll always try and see the funny in life, however this has definitely been out of service recently.

I’ve lost so much of myself during these last 5 months. I miss my stupid ways, my charging around at high speeds and my positivity.

Last week, I told Social Services that I will be returning to work in January. Enabling services will help my Parents on my return to school. My Mum is not keen on the idea of having to pay for such services, however, I’ve repeatedly told her I’ve been their unpaid Enabler for the past 5 months! Now, they will have to pay for the help.

I feel apprehensive about the whole thing, but know, in my heart, that I need to get my life back to some sort of normal… As normal as a person like me can pull off! I worry that my Mum won’t take to having outside help. Time will tell. But I know I’ve given them my all for 5 months and I need to get back to work.

We’re still yet to have Mum’s CT scan following her memory assessment last month. I’m sick of chasing up people with phone calls. You really do have to keep on, to get results. It’s infuriating, not to mention exhausting! We know my Mum is not the same person any longer, but the diagnosis will confirm this.

I would like to thank everyone in my life. You’re all incredible and I’m so lucky to know each and everyone of you. In testing times, you certainly discover who your army are. Apart from my amazing Kids, Hubby, Marit and my In-Laws, my family have not been there for me. However, I’ve truly found the true measure of friendship in all of you, and I’m so grateful to you. The stupid Sophster will be back. I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and healthy new year. All my love. (And yes, ‘Love’ will forever be my favourite word… Along with ‘Cat’ and ‘Chocolate!’). Xxxxxxxxxxxx

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